If I Only Knew
by vreales
Summary: Set after Breaking Dawn. Spoilers. Stay away if you haven't read it. It's not as bad as this summary. Jacob/Leah. K but could definteley be K.


**Ok so Bella, Edward, and Nessie have left to try to have a life somewhere else. So of course Jacob would be mourning. Breaking Dawn did NOT have what I wanted. Stupid Nessie. Anyway this has spoilers for breaking dawn, and it takes place somewhere after it. **

**And it's told from Jacob's POV. **

"Jake."

I knew that voice. It was familiar, very familiar. I hear it all the time out loud, in my head, and even sometimes in my dreams. The unfamiliar part was that her voice sounded… different. I was used to her bitterness, her being mean and sarcastic. This voice sound caring and even a little pained. Like it hurt to say my name out loud.

It was because of that pain that I bit back the response that would usually come out of me, which would go something like "Leave me alone and get the heck outta here."

"Yeah?"

There, "yeah" was good. It was short, casual. And it wasn't long enough to show the pain behind it.

"You've been moping over the leave of your precious Nessie for a week. You haven't phased or said anything since they left. It's time to get over her! She was like 3 for God's sake."

I'll admit, her words hurt. They hit home. Which might have been her goal, I don't know.

"You don't understand."

And she didn't. She doesn't understand the pain of losing what was like my little sister. I love that little girl more than I love Bella, which is something I didn't think was possible.

"You don't think I understand pain? Pain has pretty much been my main feeling ever since Sam left me for Emily! Pain is the thing I understand the most."

Ok, that was true. She did know pain. But not this pain.

"You don't know the pain of losing two some ones that you love. One after the other. It's horrible."

She was about to say something but she held back.

"What is it?" I asked curiously.

"I do know what it's like to lose two people I love. Better than you can imagine."

Now I felt like phasing and forcing her to phase. I needed to see what was going on inside her head. Clearly she didn't plan on continuing.

I sighed. I hated when I couldn't understand what was going on inside someone's head. Especially someone within my pack. I was used to hearing everything that they thought, especially Leah. She always spoke her mind without holding back.

I stared into her eyes, trying to read what she was thinking. It must be so easy to be Edward.

For some reason Leah was blushing, something that didn't happen often. And she wasn't looking back into my eyes. Instead she was focusing on something on the ground. This made me curious. Why did she feel like hiding something from me…?

Then I gasped. Because I think I understood.

"Do you…?" I couldn't finish my thought. It was too impossible to comprehend.

She still didn't say anything. The silence was killing me.

"Well?" I asked, getting impatient.

She sighed. "Ok, I think that I've fallen for you. I swear, I didn't want to. One day I hated you, and then one day I woke up and thought about you… that way and it was surprising to me as it probably is to you, but I can't deny it. And I know that nothing can ever happen, because of _Nessie_ and the way you feel about her. I know that. So I guess I'll just leave now."

Then she got up and ran away, and while she was running she phased into her wolf-self. I expected to feel relief that she was gone, because now I could wallow in my self-pity. Surprisingly, though, I was… upset? I don't know what it was, but it was something unpleasant. My instinct was to run after her. So that's what I tried to do.

But dang she was fast. And she had a head start, so there was no way I'd be able to catch her. I knew the only way to talk to her was to tell her to stop. I also knew she probably was still close enough to hear me, but I wanted to hear what was going on in her head as soon as I told her to stop.

I phased easily then started listening.

_I can't believe I did that. It was stupid, crazy. How could I have thrown myself out there preparing for more heartache? I'm so stupid. At least I didn't tell him that I have fallen in love with him. That would just make the whole situation so much worse. Well, now at least he has me out of his hair. So I guess he might actually be glad I told him, because now I have a reason to run away._

_Leah, stop._

In her surprise, she skidded to a stop. She had been so caught up with her own thoughts she hadn't even noticed that I had changed.

Taken advantage of the situation, I started running. She still seemed to be in shock, so she was frozen, nothing going on in her head. But once she woke up out of her trance, she started running, this time a little angrily, it seemed.

_Jacob, why are you following me? And listening to my thoughts? Do you know how much I hate this reading minds thing? It's unnecessary and a pain. _

_You know Leah; it's actually been very helpful in the past._

_Well I don't care. Right now it's just a pain. And you didn't answer the first question. Why are you following me?_

I thought about that for a second. Why was I following her? Guilt? Maybe. It didn't feel like guilt.

_I don't know. _I thought softly.

_Then just leave okay? I'll be fine on my own._

_I might not know why I'm following you, but I know that it's something I want to do. So no matter how far you go, I'll be after you._

I could practically feel her searching my head to see if I was serious or just bluffing. And I was serious. No matter where she went, I would be after her.

When she noticed I was serious, she stopped again. This time she didn't keep going and she let me reach her.

_Leah. _I thought, careful not to say anything that would make her run away again. She smirked as well as a wolf can.

_I'll stay here as long as what you say isn't stupid and meaningless._

_Ok then listen. Or answer my question. Why did you run away?_

She hesitated. However, try as she might, I was still in her head, so there wasn't much she could hide from me.

_You thought I would be… mad?_

She hesitated again. _Maybe not mad… more like that you would reject me. So I figured it would be easier to stay away from you than deal with the pain of not being good enough to compare to Nessie. _

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

_Why are you laughing at me?!_

I laughed again. She was getting mad now.

_Ok if you're just gonna laugh at me then I'm outta here._

_No wait._

She waited a few seconds while I thought of the best way to phrase this.

_Well?_

_Ok well you know what Sam and Billy think of imprinting. However, I have a different theory. I think that if you imprint on someone, that doesn't mean that you're in love with them, like you think I am with Nessie. Nessie is technically like half a year old. What kind of taste would I have in girls if I was in love with a baby?_

She tried not to smile, but she did anyway.

_Okay, so you're not in love with Nessie. But what about when she's older, and she's just like Bella? How will that be for you? If you won't you be in love with her, than what will you be for her? You did still imprint on her._

_Here's the part of my theory. I think that if you imprint on someone, you do it in either an act of friendship or love. With Nessie it was all friendship, she's like a baby sister to me. And with the Bella thing, well, I think that I'm over her._

She hid her happiness unsuccessfully.

_Really?_

_Really._

_But there still is the problem with me being… you know._

_Why is that a problem?_

_Because you don't feel the same way! It might not be a problem for you for me to be… in love with you, but it is a problem for me that you don't feel the same way._

_Leah, don't jump to conclusions._

She was momentarily confused. _Wh-wh-what?_

I smiled. _Don't assume that someone doesn't feel the same before you ask them._

She hesitated. _Do you…?_

If we were in human form, we would both be blushing, no doubt.

She nodded in agreement.

_To answer your question…_

And then I let a bunch of images take over my brain. I remembered the time that I saved her from the bloodsucker that was going to attack her. I remembered the day she came to join my pathetic little "pack". I remembered what it was like to share a mind that time we were hunting. And the way that we worked together. I remembered the way I felt when she ran away after telling me how she really felt. I remembered all of it.

And she smiled.

_Wow. If I only knew._

_Yeah. I know what you mean._

_My turn. _She said.

_We've both been crazy in love with another person before. We both had a chance at happiness somewhere else. But another person got in the way of that, for both of us. And you and the rest of the pack know how much I wanted to be with Sam. But right now it's like he never existed. That's the way you make me feel, Jacob Black. _

I felt warmer than usual.

I wish we were both human right now, so that I could hug her. Or kiss her.

Oh well. We had all the time in the word for that.

And to use a cheesy but wildly appropriate phrase…

They both lived happily ever after.

**It was rushed and the longest thing I've ever written in one sitting, but oh well. Please review with what you liked, didn't like, and such.**

**And sorry about the out of characterness. **


End file.
